More Plant Killings

Every year there is some problem with the convent flowers. Usually, a few sisters mutilate a few plants, and then dispose of their remains in a crass, un-christian, pro-mafia manner. Last year it was the Easter Lillies poisoned with orange juice (see previous post). This year, the flowers were thrown to their death.

Apparently, during the month of May, the convent expends great efforts honoring Mother Mary. In doing this, flower crowns are placed upon all the Mary statues around the convent. This was sure to lead to disaster.

Mom comes into work on some Monday in May. She has to go into the chapel to get something. She notices that on the largest Mary effigy, that there is no flower crown. Instead, there are flowers at Mary's feet. Mom said she instantly knew "there must have been some kind of incident over the weekend." Little did she know, the "incident" was more like a really big "scene" and it took place during Sunday Mass.

Mom asked around. Sister Lacy had been complaining about the flowers all month. They were making her sneeze and cough. Obviously, the best place for her to sit in mass then was right next to the Mary statue with the most flowers on it. She goes into a sneezing fit during prayer. She stands up, says "God, forgive me," and then walks over to the statue. She rips the flowers of Mary's head. She walks over to a window, opens it, and throws the flowers out the windo. She then returns to her pew and continues with prayer as if nothing happened. A "scene" followed almost immediatlly thereafter.

Are Nuns the Real Bud-Light Target Audience?

Sister Darcy said, "The only thing I will miss about summer is the Bud-lite commercials on TV."

Melons

Mom called.

Apprentlly, the kitchen staff at the convent was given the afternoon
off in order to "decompress and find some inner peace."

"Is working in the kitchen that stressful," I asked.

Mom gave me the nun reality-check, and replied, "Well, tensions were pretty high between two sisters. One of them threw an entire watermellon at the other. It made a big mess."

Mostlly Clear Skys, with a 70% Chance of Angels After Midnight

Mom called with the latest spiritual forecast. Apparently, this is a new feature at the convent.

Sister Jenna is old. Rumor has it that she even has a few "shout-outs" in the Old Testament. Her eyes are not what they used to be. Apparently, her mental state might also be a few wafers short of a decent meal. Sister Jenna walked into Mom's office. The following conversation took place;

"It's going to be nice out for the next two weeks," Jenna stated.

"Oh?" mom asked, with some suspicion.

"Yes, I saw a angel fly by the moon last night, so I know it's going to be nice out for the next two weeks," Jenna explained.

"Oh, isn't that nice, should we plan a picnic?" mom asked.

Burning Down the House

Who needs I.E.D.’s when you’ve got Christ-missiles?

So there was a small fire at the convent this week. Apparently, the chapel has some form of spring-loaded candles. Who knew such things even existed? Well, not just one, but TWO, malfunctioned during Mass this week. The result? Yup. Flaming Missiles of Doom. The first Christ-bomb reportedly went about 10 feet. The flame fizzled in mid air. The second one, however, only went about 9-inches, and still had an ember burning on the end of the wick. A small dose of hellfire and brimstone followed. However, a nun quickly stamped it out. Prayer followed.

Nun Medical Fashion

Lost your veil? No problem. The towel you stole from the hospital will work just as well.

Sister Darcy is old. 80 something. She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago with chest pains. They kept her on observation status. She got bored. Mom gets the phone call at the Convent:

Mom: Hello?

Darcy: I've checked myself out of the hospital. I need someone to pick me up.

Mom: Uhm, did the doctors OK this? Do they know?

Darcy: I'm not sure, but I want to get out of this place.

Mom: Uhm....OK, we'll send someone over to check-in with you, and with your medical team.

Darcy: Oh, I think one of the nurses misplaced my veil, or maybe I did, so I will be the one in the waiting room with a towel on my head.

Mom: A what?

Darcy: A towel.

Mom: I thought that is what you said.

“I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X was taken to the hospital today. The reason, “I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X is old-school. Not only that, she old. Rumors have that she has a few shout-outs in the bible if you look hard enough. In any event, she does not like “modern” technology, and refuses to embrace its intrusions on the natural human state. In sister X’s view, “modern” technology includes things like refrigeration of food. You can see where this is going.

Hence, she just keeps food stock piled in her room, and away from the convent “ice box.” She ate something she shouldn’t have. It had gone bad. Off the doctor’s she went. I wonder how she took to modern medicine?

While being treated for food poisoning, some other sisters cleared the food out of her room. Three trash bags worth.