Poison Isn't Just for Russians: Death in the Chapel

Ok, I love this story. Nun insurrection over how many Easter Lilies were in the chapel resulted in a mass plant poisoning. I remeber hearing this tale last Easter. I sent mom an email for a reminder of the background and facts. I am just re-posting her email (there is no way I could capture the story as well as she does):

"To some sisters, there were too many Easter Lilies in the Chapel-giving them mega headaches from the perfumed scent. This group lobbied to at least have some of the flowers removed-their request was denied!! Matters were taken into their own hands, and plot was hatched to water the liles (selected ones were target) and instead of using water to referesh them-orange juice was the choice of liquid--leading to the death of many liles--and cuttting down on the scent in the Chapel. Mission accomplished with OJ!!!"

(I didn't know OJ was a killer. Well, not *that* OJ. Perhaps it was mixed with some unholy water?)

Total (prayer) Recall

The media coverage of Pope John Paul II's death was much like the 2000 Presidential election; no one knew what the hell was going on. Gore won. Gore lost. Then he won, again. Then he lost, again. The Pope was alive. Then he was dead. Then he was back again. Nuns across the world were prayer purgatory.

In ensuing news frenzy around John Paul's death, it was announced that he had died about three times. Each time it was soon after recounted, "We are getting word now that the Pope has risen from the dead, or that he never actually died in the first place." Oh, media, your so funny sometimes.

Nothing short of Revelations could have caused such confusion at the convent. The world new John Paul was on this death bed. The Onion even claimed people had been in line for his funeral since 1987. The nuns were practically camped out at the convent's chapel for death prayers to begin. The word finally came John Paul had kicked the bucket, the prayer alarm went off, and all the nuns herded into the chapel. Soon after, CNN revoked the story; he was still alive. The nuns weren't sure if their prayers had worked better than suspected. Then the news broke that John Paul had died for the second time. The prayer-alarm went off again. The nuns re-herded. Sister Marsha was skeptical. She went to the TV room instead of chapel. They re-announced that John Paul had beaten death for second time. Now, Sister Marsh wanted to goto the chapel. She barged in, and upon finding all the nuns in prayer, she yelled, "FALSE ALARM! HE IS STILL ALIVE!"

"Shit. There goes another cookout."

Don't get nuns wrong. They like to party. The results of "Nuns Gone Wild" often ends up with fire department being called. Case in point:

I. HELLFIRE:
Everyone likes a good summer BBQ. Nuns do to. They normally throw a big blow-out ever summer in the parking lot in front of the convent. One might not equate nuns with penis envy, but according to mom, they have some pretty burly grilling equipment. Two summers ago they got the party going, and set up the grills under a tree. This proved not to be such a good idea.

No one is quite sure how the tree caught on fire. But all agree it went up quick. All also agree it was pretty windy out, which is why the fire jumped to the other trees pretty fast. The fire department came. The trees were extinguished. The BBQ was cancelled.

II. FALLING FROM GRACE:
Still reeling from the mishap of the previous years BBQ, the nuns were hesitant to try again the following summer. Faith proved a strong force, and the nuns went for round two. Fate , however, seemed to be a stronger force.

The nuns were concerned about recurring hell-fire. They planned for it this time. They moved the grills to the center of the parking lot, away from any tress, shrubs, and bushes. Fire-extinguishers were on hand. What the nuns did not foresee, or plan for, was gravity.

Sister Willamina lives on the third floor of the convent. Her windows face the party-parking lot. She planned to attend the BBQ, after attending to a few things in her room. Willamina had on-going issues with her window air-conditioner unit. The two didn't get along well. Willamina had discovered that shaking the unit often helped it function properly.

On the day of the BBQ, it was hot in Willamina's room. The AC unit did not want to help resolve the problem. The party outside her window was in full swing. Willamina must have shaken the AC a bit too hard or a bit too long, for the unit fell from her third story window, and lodged itself in the windshield of a convent van parked below. Willamina leaned out her window, and yelled, "Shit. There goes another cookout."