iCorpse: Convent Tech Support

The convent server went down. Simple prayer didn't fix the problem. So while waiting for tech-support to arrive, the nuns decided to take things up a notch.

Yes, the convent has computers. Their system even has a shared drive. However, while the nuns are bible-savvy, they have little recourse when technology starts to sin. Such complications may include rebooting, installing system updates, adjusting pixel size, or even finding the printer*. Some things are best left to prayer. And some things, prayer, nor the IT guy, will even touch.

Mom called last week. Chaos at the convent. The server had gone down. Some of the nuns could not access their blogs. None of them knew how to remedy the problem. They ignored the issue for a day or so. It did not fix itself. They located the "server box" and held a group prayer over it. De nada. Mom suggested they call the IT guy. They did. He said it would be a day or so before he could come out to look at.

Things started to get desperate. The nuns decided to up the pray-ante. A few of them decided to get the relics out. The relics are the remains, (i.e. bones) of some of the Order's more holy deceased members. The nuns put the relics on top of the server box. They prayed again. Nothing happened. They decided to leave the relics on the box for server-inspiration.

A few hours later, the IT guy showed up. He asked to see the hardware. A nun took him to the server room. He took one look at the bones and said, "What the hell is that!?" A nun explained. The IT guy said he needed to go back to his truck for something. He did not return.

The phone rang. It was someone from the IT place. He stated that they would re-send a technician out to work on the server, but that "no human remains should be visible, or in the presence, or vicinity of our employees while they are on your site." The nuns agreed to these terms. Their server works now.

*Comming Soon: The sisters "loose" the photocopier.

Mom, Two Nuns, and Human Remains

The nuns tried to move a corpse. They almost pulled it off. Instead, the entire convent, the local fire department, police, and the Department of Public Health had to get involved.

Mom is responsible for convent and nun coordination. There had been some kind of ongoing plumbing or drainage issue in the convent's catacomb. It had been fixed sometime ago, but problems persisted. People were coming later in the day to look at it. My mom had to let them in. She asked Sister Jane for the catacomb key. The sister responded that my mom would have to ask Sister Mary (the head nun) for the key. My mom said she thought all the nuns had access to all the buildings. Sister Jane said, "No, not after the incident with Sister Helen and Sister Joanna. Now only Sister Mary has the keys to the catacombs. "What happened, my mom asked. Sister Jane looked shocked. "You haven't heard about Sister Helen and Sister Joanna?" No, my mom said. Sister Jane looked around, closed the door to my mom's office, and told her the story.

[Some quick background on the two main players...
Sister Helen: Old. Very old. Frail. Small.
Sister Joanna: mid 30's. Strapping Italian woman. Some of the older nuns think she may be in the convent to cover mafia connections, but that is based on nothing other than her disposition.]

Helen had been at the convent since shortly after the bible was written. Joanna arrived much later. The two became friends. Helen confided in Joanna that she was becoming very depressed in her old age. Her best nun-friend had died years ago. Her remains were in the catacomb. Among Helen's last wishes was to have her remains placed next her deceased friend. However, this was not possible, as the vacant spots next to her had been taken. Joanna, in her normally brutish manner replied, "No problem. We can fix that real easy". The plan hatched.

Well after dark, and well after "lights-out", Helen and Joanna made their way to the catacomb with a flashlight to remedy the problem. Joanna's simple solution: move the remains next to Helen's friend to an unoccupied location. Had it not been for the previous drainage problems, they might have gotten away with it. Instead, the entire convent, the local fire department, police, and department of public health had to get involved

The original drainage problem was pretty severe. A four-foot hole had been dug into the ground. Construction was to continue the next day. When sister Joanna was fulfilling her part-time job as a "mover", she fell into the hole, along with her "cargo". Joanna needed help to get out. Sister Helen, being her old, small, frail self was far too weak to be of any aid. Helen was going to have to wake someone else up for help. Eventually, Sister Mary (the head nun) and the rest of the convent attempted to come to Joanna's aid. None of them could get her out. The fire department was called. The police tagged along. The fire department removed Joanna from the hole but refused to touch the "cargo". The Department of Public Health came the next day to deal with the rest.

The head nun ordered all nuns to turn in their catacomb keys. Sister Helen and Sister Joanna were no longer allowed to talk in private with each other. Another nun had to be present. Things remained quite for a while, until another nun got into trouble for drag racing the convent van and punching a police officer. But that is another post.

Jesus, the terrorist.

Mom called. The sisters are being declassee, again. Here is today's story from the convent.

Sister Mary, a rather bullish woman, without authorization, made some structural changes to her room. She removed part of the wall. She erected a shrine; a 4' crucifix. The shrine also had some shelves attached to it. No one, aside from sister Mary, knew about this little project. She apparently had placed a great weight of books and other items on the shelves. The wall buckled. The shrine collapsed. It tore down part of the wall. Sister Lisa, who lives in the room next to Mary, thought a bomb had gone off. Terrorists. Sister Lisa then proceeded to run about the convent telling the other sisters about the "explosion". For safety, they all filed outside. The fire department was called. Someone took it upon themselves to investigate further. Upon doing so they realized, that more or less, Jesus just hadn't been "nailed to the cross" well enough. He had just taken a nose dive to the floor, taking a good chunk of the wall with him. So much for the bomb.