Mom Drops the F-Bomb: Sabotage & Vaseline

The convent phone rings. There is an issue.  Nuns have been implicated in sabotage.  Yes, sabotage

Mom hears a conversation on speaker phone.  It is a convent in another major city calling the one mom works at. The story goes like this:

Away Convent had a contractor come in to do some roof work or something.  Turns out contractor is stealing copper products from the Away  Convent (who the hell steals from nuns!?).  The sisters turn to local police for help, and get none (all puns intended).  They had asked for a "under cover stakeout to catch the bad man."  The cops would not play ball.  The Sisters go vigilante, Charles Bronson style.  They ain't messing around.  They put Vaseline on the fire escape that the contractor had been using.  The following day he slips, falls, and breaks his leg.  He is filling a lawsuit.  Criminal charges may be pending.  Sisters in jail.  Nuns in cages.  Religion on trial.

Upon hearing this story, a sister at the Home Convent yells to the sister at the Away Convent,"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"

In recounting this story to me, it is the first time I have ever heard my mother say the word "fuck."

EDIT: This convent is all featured in this post. Same roof, second law suit.

Confession Breeds Aggression

Apparently, the sisters have confessional once a week.  Well, even this cannot happen without an "incident." From the sounds of it, one of the sisters was "taking far too long" for her confessional session.  The next sister in line got tired of waiting, and "went off."  She started banging on the door, and yelled, "Would you get the hell out of there!  This is confessional, not therapy. That is on Thursday!"

Headless Saints

Full text of mom's email from this afternoon:

Maintenanace worker knocked over life size statue of St Jude in rear parking lot; put head of stautue in his truck, drove home to York, Maine- worker has been out sick, so we now have a headless statue---like really cool!!!  Daughters not sure what you do with a headless Catholic Saint!!!  Happy Eve of Groundhog's Day!!
Love,
Mom

Haiti

While the main objective of this blog is to illuminate humor that takes place the convent, I can't help but make a serious post today.  Mom has reported that, "Two of my good friends @ work, mothers' are missing in the earthquake zone.'

Assault with Walker Tennis Balls

Background on Sister Loo-Loo
Sister Loo-Loo has a temper problem. She was sent to Chicago to attend a week-long anger management course for clergy and nuns. She was sent home three days later, and deemed "unmanageable."

Sister Loo-Loo v. Sister Latifa
Sister Latifa is old. Like, shout-outs-in-the Bible old. She has a walker, 4-pointer, with tennis balls. Sister Latifa often leaves it in the middle high-traffic walkways. The center aisle of the chapel. In front of the photocopier. Blocking the confessional door so people can't get out. You get the idea.

Last week Sister Latifa went to the computer room. When Sister Latifa arrived, Sister Loo Loo was already there. Sister Latifa parked her walker in the one, narrow, exit aisle of the computer room. Moments later, Sister Loo Loo attempted to leave. She saw the walker, and had a little melt down; "GOD DAMN THIS WALKER!" She kicked it across the room. She removed the tennis balls. She started throwing them at Sister Latifa. In return, Latifa started throwing pens and spiting. Three other sisters staged an intervention. Loo Loo and Latifa have to meet for mediation next week. For the moment, neither is allowed within 50 feet of each other.

EDIT: Sister "Loo Loo" has appeared as a star player in previous posts. Here is one of them.

Conduct Unbecoming

Below is the full text of en email mom sent yesterday.

Today:
Flood in one of our 4 boiler rooms, water pressure dropped so low fire trucks(2)came because sprinkler systems totally shut down.

Sister Mary has been banned from the Italian Consulate in Boston for Life(she is 87) for actions unbecoming a Catholic nun-can only email embassy as of today.

Sister Lisa took off with car signed out for Sister Helen-when Sister Lisa returned home 4 hrs later-they had a yelling match outside my office; one yelling in Italian, the other Portuguese.

So, how was your day???

"I left part of the car at the store"

Mom emailed. This one is amazing.

Today @ work Sister Jen runs into my office and said:" Quick! Call Sister Karen......I left part of the car @ the store!!"

I innocently asked "What part??"

Answer " The Big part that fell off!!"

I called Sister Karen- her response "God dammit not this, again!"

Update tomorrow when I return to work!!

"Again?"  This has happened more than once!?  I'll have to see if I can find out what other parts of the car have previously been left in parking lots across America.  Apparently there is an epidemic.