"These aren't the CD's your looking for."

 I think is one if the best Nun stories I've heard yet.

Mom just called.  "I just have a quick work story for you.  Last night I went to a wake for one of the sisters. She passed a few days ago.  Anyway, we were all sitting there, and they started playing some background music.  I began to laugh as soon I as heard the first few notes.  Someone royally screwed-up and they started playing the theme from Star Wars!

The Dewey Decimal System of Lost Souls

Things go missing from time to time.  We've all had it happen.  The pen we were using just 2 minutes ago.  Your keys.  A hat.  The car in a very large parking lot.  The children.  Your mind.  Etc.  When things go missing at the convent, it usually involves much more than just a minor mishap, or some mundane story of, "Oh, I lost my crucifix, but then found it again."  Nothing is ever that simple with the Sisters.

Take for instance the call I got from my mom today.  She tells me that a license plates from one of the convent vehicles had been missing for about two weeks.  No one seemed to know where it had gone.  They just assumed it had fallen off while driving somewhere, which is rather unlikely.  They did not report it lost or stolen to the RMV and police.  "Loosing" a license plate is odd enough.  But it gets much more amusing.  It was found this afternoon, in the convent library, filed neatly between two books in the philosophy section.  Hilarious.  I am trying to find out which two books it was between.

The Shot Heard Around...Staten Island?

Mom was talking to a few sisters about the situation in Egypt.  One of the sisters wondered how the events would impact the other countries in the Middle East, and if it might lead to other revolutions.  Another sister chimed in with his gem.  "It's not the Middle East I am worried about.  It's New Jersey." 

Nuns, Going Postal.

The mail was late today.  It had not arrived as of 4:30pm.  It usually comes around 11:00am.  Sister Sue was not happy.  She needed today's mail in order to send out information regarding some type of assignment or something.  She called the post office to complain  and/or find out where the mail was.  They put her on hold.  Bad idea.  When they returned to her call, Sister Sue said, "You put me on Hold?  What the fuck is wrong with you people!?  Don't you know you're talking to a nun!?"  When the call was over Sister Sue said to my mom, "I gave it to them."  My mom responded, "Well, you certainly did!"  Sister Sue responded, "They deserved it."

Luggage? What is that?

Indeed.  By now we all know by now that the Nuns have baggage.   Luggage, however,  is a different story. See full text of an email from mom below.

Three of our sisters left for St Louis via the airport--they all forgot their luggage!!!  God help me!! Had to reschedule flight & return to convent to reclaim  suitcases.........tomorrow @ 7 am all power is being turned off @ work to see IF the back up generator works....I will let you know what happens!!!
 
Love,
Mom

Mom Drops the F-Bomb: Sabotage & Vaseline

The convent phone rings. There is an issue.  Nuns have been implicated in sabotage.  Yes, sabotage

Mom hears a conversation on speaker phone.  It is a convent in another major city calling the one mom works at. The story goes like this:

Away Convent had a contractor come in to do some roof work or something.  Turns out contractor is stealing copper products from the Away  Convent (who the hell steals from nuns!?).  The sisters turn to local police for help, and get none (all puns intended).  They had asked for a "under cover stakeout to catch the bad man."  The cops would not play ball.  The Sisters go vigilante, Charles Bronson style.  They ain't messing around.  They put Vaseline on the fire escape that the contractor had been using.  The following day he slips, falls, and breaks his leg.  He is filling a lawsuit.  Criminal charges may be pending.  Sisters in jail.  Nuns in cages.  Religion on trial.

Upon hearing this story, a sister at the Home Convent yells to the sister at the Away Convent,"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"

In recounting this story to me, it is the first time I have ever heard my mother say the word "fuck."

EDIT: This convent is all featured in this post. Same roof, second law suit.

Confession Breeds Aggression

Apparently, the sisters have confessional once a week.  Well, even this cannot happen without an "incident." From the sounds of it, one of the sisters was "taking far too long" for her confessional session.  The next sister in line got tired of waiting, and "went off."  She started banging on the door, and yelled, "Would you get the hell out of there!  This is confessional, not therapy. That is on Thursday!"