Burning Down the House

Who needs I.E.D.’s when you’ve got Christ-missiles?

So there was a small fire at the convent this week. Apparently, the chapel has some form of spring-loaded candles. Who knew such things even existed? Well, not just one, but TWO, malfunctioned during Mass this week. The result? Yup. Flaming Missiles of Doom. The first Christ-bomb reportedly went about 10 feet. The flame fizzled in mid air. The second one, however, only went about 9-inches, and still had an ember burning on the end of the wick. A small dose of hellfire and brimstone followed. However, a nun quickly stamped it out. Prayer followed.

Nun Medical Fashion

Lost your veil? No problem. The towel you stole from the hospital will work just as well.

Sister Darcy is old. 80 something. She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago with chest pains. They kept her on observation status. She got bored. Mom gets the phone call at the Convent:

Mom: Hello?

Darcy: I've checked myself out of the hospital. I need someone to pick me up.

Mom: Uhm, did the doctors OK this? Do they know?

Darcy: I'm not sure, but I want to get out of this place.

Mom: Uhm....OK, we'll send someone over to check-in with you, and with your medical team.

Darcy: Oh, I think one of the nurses misplaced my veil, or maybe I did, so I will be the one in the waiting room with a towel on my head.

Mom: A what?

Darcy: A towel.

Mom: I thought that is what you said.

“I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X was taken to the hospital today. The reason, “I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X is old-school. Not only that, she old. Rumors have that she has a few shout-outs in the bible if you look hard enough. In any event, she does not like “modern” technology, and refuses to embrace its intrusions on the natural human state. In sister X’s view, “modern” technology includes things like refrigeration of food. You can see where this is going.

Hence, she just keeps food stock piled in her room, and away from the convent “ice box.” She ate something she shouldn’t have. It had gone bad. Off the doctor’s she went. I wonder how she took to modern medicine?

While being treated for food poisoning, some other sisters cleared the food out of her room. Three trash bags worth.

Wanted: Photo copier stolen from a Convent

"I dont know what she lost first, her mind or the photo copier. We have a really large Ricio copier in the back part of the library. It wasn’t feeling well. The nuns prayed for it, but they had learned prayer and relics alone don’t get the job done. Sometimes, you need the help of a mere human (see the “iCoprse: Convent Tech-Support” post). A repairman was called to intervene. He came at the appointed time.

Repairman: I am here to service the copier, can you show me where it is?

Sister V: It’s missing.

Repairman: Huh?

Sister V: I can’t locate it. You’ll have to come back when we can find it.

Repairman: You lost the photocopier?

Sister V: No, I think it was stolen.

Sister V was distraught. She reported the copier stolen. The sisters searched the convent. I eventually found out about the “theft”, and said, “Uhm, I saw it 30 min ago where it always has been.” The nuns descended on the library. The copier was still broken, and still standing where it had always been. Apparently, Sister V, despite using the copier hundreds of times, thought it was kept in the front of the library, not the back.

Christmas Special: Toilet Paper Saves Christmas from Historical Inaccuracies

Mom came over for Christmas Eve diner this afternoon. The nuns are big on Christmas cheer. Go figure. Mom said they have numerous manger scenes up around the convent. However, this was not without controversy. Again, go figure. Apparently, the nuns aren't keen on the idea of the baby Jesus being placed in a manger scene until December 25th. Doing so would imply that his birthday was sometime prior to the 25th. Some of the convent’s older nativity scenes come with a non-removable Christ-child. The sisters, obviously, had a problem. They did not want wait until the 25^th to put the manger scenes up, and they had ruled out the partial birth abortion option (i.e. hack-sawing baby JChrist out of the scene, and replacing him on his birthday). What is a Sister to do? Easy. Taking inspiration, not from the Lord above, but from high-school jocks pulling Halloween pranks, the sisters found the answers to their prayers; toilet paper.

Mom said, “I came into work and was like what the hell is going on in here? About half of the nativity scenes have be vandalized, and baby Jesus as been toilet-papered!”

Sister Ingenuity explained the situation. “Christ wasn’t born until the 25^th, so we had to hide all the baby Jesuses with toilet paper until his birthday.”

Mom asked, “Uhm…your hiding the son of God with toilet paper? Wouldn’t a paper towel be more…respectful?”

Sister Ingenuity responded, “No, toilet paper is just fine.”

Mom asked when the Jesuses were going to be unveiled.

Sister Ingenuity responded, “After 8pm mass, which is at 12am.”

“Right,” mom said, and went back to her desk.

The CVS Crusade

An email mom sent me last week:

Sister Evil took the convent van to CVS on a crusade to find her vitamins (she had lost her supply). She returned home with van's front door, driver's side, in the back seat. The initial report when she came back to the convent; "Call the Mother Superior and inform her that there was a slight problem in the CVS parking lot, and the van door is in the back seat." Seems Sister Evil did not properly close the front door. It was wide open and someone, non-Catholic, plowed into it. She, and several other people took what was of it off the hinges, and placed it in the back seat, and she drove home. She the said ride was rather windy.

"What The Hell Is Wrong With You?"

"Sr Denise, who speaks very little understandable English, and can not communicate at all in the written form, asked Sr Shrek to write a letter for her. Sr Shrek agrees. Half way through the letter, Sr. Denise proclaims to Sr Shrek, "I don't like what you are writing!" Sr Shrek bellows at her, "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't even read a word I am writing!!" Sr Denise shouts back, "I don't care, I don't like it!" Sr Shrek screams at her, " You are nothing but a little Mussolini in a nun's habit!!"

Love, Mom"