Darcy "goes off" on the UPS driver

Below is an email straight from mom this afternoon. My notes are in the ( ).

______________________________________________________
The Iraqi Report gives one something to ponder...........Now, onto Sr Darcy (see the "Nun Beat-Down" post below for more info about her), and UPS.

A little background on Sr Darcy. She is now around 76 or so. The dear sister was sent to a clinic for anger management about 10 years ago--she was returned with a warning do not send her back--we can not do anything with her!! The UPS driver is scared to death of her, and now, instead of ringing the front door bell and handling her the package, he rings the doorbell, throws the package against the door and takes off like a bat out of hell. Well this gets her very, very mad--big mistake on the driver's part. She was waiting for him today--peaking out the window, when he arrived, threw the package--she sprang into action, whipped the door open, and threw the package back at him. Needless to say there were an exchange of heated words!! Another day with the girls!!

Love,

Mom

Nun Beat-Down

It's hard out there for a nun.

Finding and keeping a job is never easy when your married to Jesus, have issues with your temper, and could "go off" at any moment. Enter Sister Darcy. Part of her old job was taking nuns to the grocery store in the convent van. This was good for Darcy, because it allowed her to "get out into the community, but not too much." Perhaps it was a bit too much.

After losing her driving license* for drag-racing the Convent van (caught twice, and causing several minor accidents on public roads), Sister Darcy was sent to help out at the book fairs. Mother Superior thought this would be a great new job for her. It didn't work out. She ended up in jail.

At her first book fair, someone questioned her on the price of a book. This was enough to make her "go off." She "hault-off and belted the man" (Mom's exact words). Knocked him out. Police were called. She was still "going-off" when law enforcement arrived. She then hit a cop, too. She was arrested for assault.

Sister Darcy has a new, safe, contained job. Now, she can go "postal." She sorts the mail for the Convent. She is also not allowed to attend large gatherings anymore, as they are afraid she will hit someone else.


*When I was 18 my driver's licence was suspended for too many speeding tickets. I was forced to attend "driver retraining" school. There were seven people in my class. Two of them were Nuns. They did not know each other. At the time, I thought this to be very odd. Now, it seems merely typical.

Poison Isn't Just for Russians: Death in the Chapel

Ok, I love this story. Nun insurrection over how many Easter Lilies were in the chapel resulted in a mass plant poisoning. I remeber hearing this tale last Easter. I sent mom an email for a reminder of the background and facts. I am just re-posting her email (there is no way I could capture the story as well as she does):

"To some sisters, there were too many Easter Lilies in the Chapel-giving them mega headaches from the perfumed scent. This group lobbied to at least have some of the flowers removed-their request was denied!! Matters were taken into their own hands, and plot was hatched to water the liles (selected ones were target) and instead of using water to referesh them-orange juice was the choice of liquid--leading to the death of many liles--and cuttting down on the scent in the Chapel. Mission accomplished with OJ!!!"

(I didn't know OJ was a killer. Well, not *that* OJ. Perhaps it was mixed with some unholy water?)

Total (prayer) Recall

The media coverage of Pope John Paul II's death was much like the 2000 Presidential election; no one knew what the hell was going on. Gore won. Gore lost. Then he won, again. Then he lost, again. The Pope was alive. Then he was dead. Then he was back again. Nuns across the world were prayer purgatory.

In ensuing news frenzy around John Paul's death, it was announced that he had died about three times. Each time it was soon after recounted, "We are getting word now that the Pope has risen from the dead, or that he never actually died in the first place." Oh, media, your so funny sometimes.

Nothing short of Revelations could have caused such confusion at the convent. The world new John Paul was on this death bed. The Onion even claimed people had been in line for his funeral since 1987. The nuns were practically camped out at the convent's chapel for death prayers to begin. The word finally came John Paul had kicked the bucket, the prayer alarm went off, and all the nuns herded into the chapel. Soon after, CNN revoked the story; he was still alive. The nuns weren't sure if their prayers had worked better than suspected. Then the news broke that John Paul had died for the second time. The prayer-alarm went off again. The nuns re-herded. Sister Marsha was skeptical. She went to the TV room instead of chapel. They re-announced that John Paul had beaten death for second time. Now, Sister Marsh wanted to goto the chapel. She barged in, and upon finding all the nuns in prayer, she yelled, "FALSE ALARM! HE IS STILL ALIVE!"

"Shit. There goes another cookout."

Don't get nuns wrong. They like to party. The results of "Nuns Gone Wild" often ends up with fire department being called. Case in point:

I. HELLFIRE:
Everyone likes a good summer BBQ. Nuns do to. They normally throw a big blow-out ever summer in the parking lot in front of the convent. One might not equate nuns with penis envy, but according to mom, they have some pretty burly grilling equipment. Two summers ago they got the party going, and set up the grills under a tree. This proved not to be such a good idea.

No one is quite sure how the tree caught on fire. But all agree it went up quick. All also agree it was pretty windy out, which is why the fire jumped to the other trees pretty fast. The fire department came. The trees were extinguished. The BBQ was cancelled.

II. FALLING FROM GRACE:
Still reeling from the mishap of the previous years BBQ, the nuns were hesitant to try again the following summer. Faith proved a strong force, and the nuns went for round two. Fate , however, seemed to be a stronger force.

The nuns were concerned about recurring hell-fire. They planned for it this time. They moved the grills to the center of the parking lot, away from any tress, shrubs, and bushes. Fire-extinguishers were on hand. What the nuns did not foresee, or plan for, was gravity.

Sister Willamina lives on the third floor of the convent. Her windows face the party-parking lot. She planned to attend the BBQ, after attending to a few things in her room. Willamina had on-going issues with her window air-conditioner unit. The two didn't get along well. Willamina had discovered that shaking the unit often helped it function properly.

On the day of the BBQ, it was hot in Willamina's room. The AC unit did not want to help resolve the problem. The party outside her window was in full swing. Willamina must have shaken the AC a bit too hard or a bit too long, for the unit fell from her third story window, and lodged itself in the windshield of a convent van parked below. Willamina leaned out her window, and yelled, "Shit. There goes another cookout."

iCorpse: Convent Tech Support

The convent server went down. Simple prayer didn't fix the problem. So while waiting for tech-support to arrive, the nuns decided to take things up a notch.

Yes, the convent has computers. Their system even has a shared drive. However, while the nuns are bible-savvy, they have little recourse when technology starts to sin. Such complications may include rebooting, installing system updates, adjusting pixel size, or even finding the printer*. Some things are best left to prayer. And some things, prayer, nor the IT guy, will even touch.

Mom called last week. Chaos at the convent. The server had gone down. Some of the nuns could not access their blogs. None of them knew how to remedy the problem. They ignored the issue for a day or so. It did not fix itself. They located the "server box" and held a group prayer over it. De nada. Mom suggested they call the IT guy. They did. He said it would be a day or so before he could come out to look at.

Things started to get desperate. The nuns decided to up the pray-ante. A few of them decided to get the relics out. The relics are the remains, (i.e. bones) of some of the Order's more holy deceased members. The nuns put the relics on top of the server box. They prayed again. Nothing happened. They decided to leave the relics on the box for server-inspiration.

A few hours later, the IT guy showed up. He asked to see the hardware. A nun took him to the server room. He took one look at the bones and said, "What the hell is that!?" A nun explained. The IT guy said he needed to go back to his truck for something. He did not return.

The phone rang. It was someone from the IT place. He stated that they would re-send a technician out to work on the server, but that "no human remains should be visible, or in the presence, or vicinity of our employees while they are on your site." The nuns agreed to these terms. Their server works now.

*Comming Soon: The sisters "loose" the photocopier.

Mom, Two Nuns, and Human Remains

The nuns tried to move a corpse. They almost pulled it off. Instead, the entire convent, the local fire department, police, and the Department of Public Health had to get involved.

Mom is responsible for convent and nun coordination. There had been some kind of ongoing plumbing or drainage issue in the convent's catacomb. It had been fixed sometime ago, but problems persisted. People were coming later in the day to look at it. My mom had to let them in. She asked Sister Jane for the catacomb key. The sister responded that my mom would have to ask Sister Mary (the head nun) for the key. My mom said she thought all the nuns had access to all the buildings. Sister Jane said, "No, not after the incident with Sister Helen and Sister Joanna. Now only Sister Mary has the keys to the catacombs. "What happened, my mom asked. Sister Jane looked shocked. "You haven't heard about Sister Helen and Sister Joanna?" No, my mom said. Sister Jane looked around, closed the door to my mom's office, and told her the story.

[Some quick background on the two main players...
Sister Helen: Old. Very old. Frail. Small.
Sister Joanna: mid 30's. Strapping Italian woman. Some of the older nuns think she may be in the convent to cover mafia connections, but that is based on nothing other than her disposition.]

Helen had been at the convent since shortly after the bible was written. Joanna arrived much later. The two became friends. Helen confided in Joanna that she was becoming very depressed in her old age. Her best nun-friend had died years ago. Her remains were in the catacomb. Among Helen's last wishes was to have her remains placed next her deceased friend. However, this was not possible, as the vacant spots next to her had been taken. Joanna, in her normally brutish manner replied, "No problem. We can fix that real easy". The plan hatched.

Well after dark, and well after "lights-out", Helen and Joanna made their way to the catacomb with a flashlight to remedy the problem. Joanna's simple solution: move the remains next to Helen's friend to an unoccupied location. Had it not been for the previous drainage problems, they might have gotten away with it. Instead, the entire convent, the local fire department, police, and department of public health had to get involved

The original drainage problem was pretty severe. A four-foot hole had been dug into the ground. Construction was to continue the next day. When sister Joanna was fulfilling her part-time job as a "mover", she fell into the hole, along with her "cargo". Joanna needed help to get out. Sister Helen, being her old, small, frail self was far too weak to be of any aid. Helen was going to have to wake someone else up for help. Eventually, Sister Mary (the head nun) and the rest of the convent attempted to come to Joanna's aid. None of them could get her out. The fire department was called. The police tagged along. The fire department removed Joanna from the hole but refused to touch the "cargo". The Department of Public Health came the next day to deal with the rest.

The head nun ordered all nuns to turn in their catacomb keys. Sister Helen and Sister Joanna were no longer allowed to talk in private with each other. Another nun had to be present. Things remained quite for a while, until another nun got into trouble for drag racing the convent van and punching a police officer. But that is another post.