The Chernobyl Platypus

First, see the previous blog update, located here.

I went to see my parents over the weekend. While at their house, I noticed this on the fridge (I blacked the face out for the blog).

ME: Mom, what the hell is this?!?

MOM: Oh, she died about two weeks ago. That was the saying she was most known for. She said it all the time. That is a remembrance card that was floating around the convent.

ME: WHAT?!? You're kidding me. They "remembered" her with that!? What is a "Lambie Duck" anyway? Is that something she made up? 

MOM: She had this stuffed lamb. Nuns like lambs, you know. Well, she decided to put webbed feet on it for some reason. Then she started calling it a "Lambie-Duck." Don't ask. They even said, "She could be a bit bazaar at times" during her eulogy. She tried to put it in the manger scene during Christmas one year. The other nuns did not like this. They said, "There were lambs, cows, and donkeys in the manger, but no weird hybrid lamb-ducks. It must be removed."

ME: I have...no...words...

Insight of the Day

"There are only two types of people in this world. Lambie Ducks, and Shit Heads."

-Sister Lisa-Mae, Aug 13, 2013

Lambie duck, apparentlly, is a term of endearment.

Dear FBI

Convent Update:  85-year old sister.  Has dementia.  Has been "collecting" all of the convent's remote controls to assorted electronic devices, and keeping them in her room.   Other sister found them, and placed some where for "safe keeping."  Found later, letter to FBI, written by 85-year-old nun, appealing for help with investigation into her missing remotes.

Holy Ipecat

My mom has had a few knee surgeries in the last 2 years. She had another one last week. The following conversation took place between the two of us this afternoon.

Mom: Well, the sisters gave me a gift before I left work last week.

Me: Oh, that was nice of them. Do I dare ask what it was?

Mom: A plastic 2-litre Coke bottle full of holy water.

Me: What?

Mom: Yup. The Coke label was sill on it, too.

Me: Epic.

Mom: I asked them if I could drink it, and they said I could.

Me: Did you?

Mom: Well, no. Not after what happened to the cat.

Me: Uhm...

Mom: I put some in the cat's water bowl.  Lord knows that cat needs all the help she can get.

Me: Ok, and?

Mom: She threw-up twice that night. So, I didn't drink any.

Stop. Hammer Time.

The phone rings. It’s my mom. She is at work. At first I thought she was crying. Then I realized she was laughing. I immediately knew a good story was coming, but I wasn’t expecting something THIS good.

I’m sure we all remember the story about the copper thief, greased-up/sabotaged fire escape, broken leg, and subsequent law suit. Well, the same convent*, and same roof, have led to another blog update.

A City Inspector had to look at the convent for some reason (not sure if this related to the previous roof occurrence or not). Mr. Inspector came to the convent, and proceeded up the fire escape to the top of the building. Sister Crazy** saw Mr. Inspector going up on the roof, and thought it might be another person involved with the Criminal Copper Conspiracy that has stirred-up trouble last time. And also, just like before, Sister Crazy went vigilante. She got a hammer, and was going to get the bad guy, I mean, City Inspector.

I guess City Inspector knew something about how loo-loo the sisters were, and knew he might be in danger. He needed an escape route. Who wouldn’t be horrified of a nun running at you with demon eyes and a hammer!? Well, he found the escape route; he jumped off the roof, and into a tree. Yes, a tree. When things calmed down a bit, Mr. Inspector realized that he could not get out of tree by himself. He needed help. The fire department was called for assistance.

Another assault related law suit is now pending.

*Neither of these events took place at the convent where my mom works, but at one of their “satellite offices” elsewhere in the U.S.

**Sister Crazy is NOT the same sister who lubed up the fire escape before. THAT was Sister Bat-Shit Crazy.

Double Barrel Doom

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'll have to call mom for more details. Below is ext from an email correspondence with my mom over the last 24 hours. I didn't believe the pot growing story when I first heard it, either. Then I saw the news coverage...I have learned another meaning of the word "faith".

MOM: Sister Doom has been chasing young kids of property in XXXXXX w/ a loaded shotgun.......

ME: WHAT!?

MOM: Yes! This is true-a nun running after kids with a shot gun!!!

ME: Who saw it? Did anyone call the police?

MOM: Oh yeah....Sister Doom caught 2 of the kids-police came-remeber police have been putting up w/Daughters for years......so this nothing new

From Prison to Family Reunion

Email I got the other day from Mom. 

"Sister Jane is leaving today for her vacation; bus trip to Kentucky to pick up her brother, Mike.  He is getting out of  federal prison.  Mike and Jane's other sister (a social worker, nevertheless) refuses to pick him up.  After Jane gets Mike, the two are then flying to Ohio for a family reunion......details to follow!!
 
Love,
Mom"