Dear FBI

Convent Update:  85-year old sister.  Has dementia.  Has been "collecting" all of the convent's remote controls to assorted electronic devices, and keeping them in her room.   Other sister found them, and placed some where for "safe keeping."  Found later, letter to FBI, written by 85-year-old nun, appealing for help with investigation into her missing remotes.

Holy Ipecat

My mom has had a few knee surgeries in the last 2 years. She had another one last week. The following conversation took place between the two of us this afternoon.

Mom: Well, the sisters gave me a gift before I left work last week.

Me: Oh, that was nice of them. Do I dare ask what it was?

Mom: A plastic 2-litre Coke bottle full of holy water.

Me: What?

Mom: Yup. The Coke label was sill on it, too.

Me: Epic.

Mom: I asked them if I could drink it, and they said I could.

Me: Did you?

Mom: Well, no. Not after what happened to the cat.

Me: Uhm...

Mom: I put some in the cat's water bowl.  Lord knows that cat needs all the help she can get.

Me: Ok, and?

Mom: She threw-up twice that night. So, I didn't drink any.

Stop. Hammer Time.

The phone rings. It’s my mom. She is at work. At first I thought she was crying. Then I realized she was laughing. I immediately knew a good story was coming, but I wasn’t expecting something THIS good.

I’m sure we all remember the story about the copper thief, greased-up/sabotaged fire escape, broken leg, and subsequent law suit. Well, the same convent*, and same roof, have led to another blog update.

A City Inspector had to look at the convent for some reason (not sure if this related to the previous roof occurrence or not). Mr. Inspector came to the convent, and proceeded up the fire escape to the top of the building. Sister Crazy** saw Mr. Inspector going up on the roof, and thought it might be another person involved with the Criminal Copper Conspiracy that has stirred-up trouble last time. And also, just like before, Sister Crazy went vigilante. She got a hammer, and was going to get the bad guy, I mean, City Inspector.

I guess City Inspector knew something about how loo-loo the sisters were, and knew he might be in danger. He needed an escape route. Who wouldn’t be horrified of a nun running at you with demon eyes and a hammer!? Well, he found the escape route; he jumped off the roof, and into a tree. Yes, a tree. When things calmed down a bit, Mr. Inspector realized that he could not get out of tree by himself. He needed help. The fire department was called for assistance.

Another assault related law suit is now pending.

*Neither of these events took place at the convent where my mom works, but at one of their “satellite offices” elsewhere in the U.S.

**Sister Crazy is NOT the same sister who lubed up the fire escape before. THAT was Sister Bat-Shit Crazy.

Double Barrel Doom

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'll have to call mom for more details. Below is ext from an email correspondence with my mom over the last 24 hours. I didn't believe the pot growing story when I first heard it, either. Then I saw the news coverage...I have learned another meaning of the word "faith".

MOM: Sister Doom has been chasing young kids of property in XXXXXX w/ a loaded shotgun.......

ME: WHAT!?

MOM: Yes! This is true-a nun running after kids with a shot gun!!!

ME: Who saw it? Did anyone call the police?

MOM: Oh yeah....Sister Doom caught 2 of the kids-police came-remeber police have been putting up w/Daughters for years......so this nothing new

From Prison to Family Reunion

Email I got the other day from Mom. 

"Sister Jane is leaving today for her vacation; bus trip to Kentucky to pick up her brother, Mike.  He is getting out of  federal prison.  Mike and Jane's other sister (a social worker, nevertheless) refuses to pick him up.  After Jane gets Mike, the two are then flying to Ohio for a family reunion......details to follow!!
 
Love,
Mom"

Fountain of Doom

Well, some amusing stories were indeed generated from the "water feature" mentioned in the previous post.  Below is an email mom sent.  Number 6 is my favorite.


1) took a procession to get it in Chapel
2) was hooked up to facuet in room next to Chapel
3) water was collected in kiddie pool underneath-that keep on overflowing
4) was so loud no one could here anything
5) Sister Lucy(92) said running water made her want to go to the bathroom all the time
6) Sister Sue(87) was caught several times using a dixie cup to get her drinks of water from during the daytime
7) Priest said he couldn't hear himself think from noise(which was a good thing, if you ask me)
8) was turned over permantly on Tues
9) Sr Nancy(85) wants to know if they can build a water slide outside now
9) towards the end of the water fall visit to Chapel-it keep on having hiccups-would start then stop--a wonder of Daughters' engineering!!!

"Does Not Bode Well"

Oh, wow.  This could prove to be really funny.  Entire text of email mom sent today:

Subject: Does Not Bode Well

Daughters, starting this very day, are trying to construct a fountain in Chapel for Easter.....I see an entire new chapter for book.......
Love,
Mom