Holy Ipecat

My mom has had a few knee surgeries in the last 2 years. She had another one last week. The following conversation took place between the two of us this afternoon.

Mom: Well, the sisters gave me a gift before I left work last week.

Me: Oh, that was nice of them. Do I dare ask what it was?

Mom: A plastic 2-litre Coke bottle full of holy water.

Me: What?

Mom: Yup. The Coke label was sill on it, too.

Me: Epic.

Mom: I asked them if I could drink it, and they said I could.

Me: Did you?

Mom: Well, no. Not after what happened to the cat.

Me: Uhm...

Mom: I put some in the cat's water bowl.  Lord knows that cat needs all the help she can get.

Me: Ok, and?

Mom: She threw-up twice that night. So, I didn't drink any.

Stop. Hammer Time.

The phone rings. It’s my mom. She is at work. At first I thought she was crying. Then I realized she was laughing. I immediately knew a good story was coming, but I wasn’t expecting something THIS good.

I’m sure we all remember the story about the copper thief, greased-up/sabotaged fire escape, broken leg, and subsequent law suit. Well, the same convent*, and same roof, have led to another blog update.

A City Inspector had to look at the convent for some reason (not sure if this related to the previous roof occurrence or not). Mr. Inspector came to the convent, and proceeded up the fire escape to the top of the building. Sister Crazy** saw Mr. Inspector going up on the roof, and thought it might be another person involved with the Criminal Copper Conspiracy that has stirred-up trouble last time. And also, just like before, Sister Crazy went vigilante. She got a hammer, and was going to get the bad guy, I mean, City Inspector.

I guess City Inspector knew something about how loo-loo the sisters were, and knew he might be in danger. He needed an escape route. Who wouldn’t be horrified of a nun running at you with demon eyes and a hammer!? Well, he found the escape route; he jumped off the roof, and into a tree. Yes, a tree. When things calmed down a bit, Mr. Inspector realized that he could not get out of tree by himself. He needed help. The fire department was called for assistance.

Another assault related law suit is now pending.

*Neither of these events took place at the convent where my mom works, but at one of their “satellite offices” elsewhere in the U.S.

**Sister Crazy is NOT the same sister who lubed up the fire escape before. THAT was Sister Bat-Shit Crazy.

Double Barrel Doom

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'll have to call mom for more details. Below is ext from an email correspondence with my mom over the last 24 hours. I didn't believe the pot growing story when I first heard it, either. Then I saw the news coverage...I have learned another meaning of the word "faith".

MOM: Sister Doom has been chasing young kids of property in XXXXXX w/ a loaded shotgun.......

ME: WHAT!?

MOM: Yes! This is true-a nun running after kids with a shot gun!!!

ME: Who saw it? Did anyone call the police?

MOM: Oh yeah....Sister Doom caught 2 of the kids-police came-remeber police have been putting up w/Daughters for years......so this nothing new

From Prison to Family Reunion

Email I got the other day from Mom. 

"Sister Jane is leaving today for her vacation; bus trip to Kentucky to pick up her brother, Mike.  He is getting out of  federal prison.  Mike and Jane's other sister (a social worker, nevertheless) refuses to pick him up.  After Jane gets Mike, the two are then flying to Ohio for a family reunion......details to follow!!
 
Love,
Mom"

Fountain of Doom

Well, some amusing stories were indeed generated from the "water feature" mentioned in the previous post.  Below is an email mom sent.  Number 6 is my favorite.


1) took a procession to get it in Chapel
2) was hooked up to facuet in room next to Chapel
3) water was collected in kiddie pool underneath-that keep on overflowing
4) was so loud no one could here anything
5) Sister Lucy(92) said running water made her want to go to the bathroom all the time
6) Sister Sue(87) was caught several times using a dixie cup to get her drinks of water from during the daytime
7) Priest said he couldn't hear himself think from noise(which was a good thing, if you ask me)
8) was turned over permantly on Tues
9) Sr Nancy(85) wants to know if they can build a water slide outside now
9) towards the end of the water fall visit to Chapel-it keep on having hiccups-would start then stop--a wonder of Daughters' engineering!!!

"Does Not Bode Well"

Oh, wow.  This could prove to be really funny.  Entire text of email mom sent today:

Subject: Does Not Bode Well

Daughters, starting this very day, are trying to construct a fountain in Chapel for Easter.....I see an entire new chapter for book.......
Love,
Mom

“We know nothing about the marijuana."

Ok, I don't know HOW I forgot to post this story from last year!  I apologize.  This weekend I went to visit mom for her birthday.  She had a real gem waiting for me.  It seems that the story I had forgotten to post last year had finally found its way into the newspaper.  Yeah, this one is THAT good.  Mom had the news clipping for me.

Last summer the phone rings.  It is my mom.  She is laughing so hard she can hardly breath.  I finally get the story of her.  "When I got to work the police and the Department of Agriculture were there.  I go inside and ask Sister X about all the commotion.  She says, "They found 25 marijuana plants growing on the property out back. That is all I can say right now."

WHAT!?!  25 marijuana plants on convent property!?  This is just so funny, and so absurd, that I am really starting to think that my mom is just making-up these stories up, or over-exaggerating, or something. This stuff is just too funny to be true.  Well,  I was proved correct.  Mom did have this story all wrong.  It wasn't 25 marijuana plants.  It was 31!

The News Clipping (Identifying Names removed)

One use for woodland: pot farm

By XYZ ABCD March 18, 2011

While mystery surrounds the future of the Daughters of XXXXXX...someone already found an unusual use for the property: a marijuana farm.

Boston Police officers found 31 pot plants growing outdoors behind the religious order’s XXX convent last summer, according to a police report obtained by the Gazette. The plants were discovered by engineers surveying the 15-acre woodland for the private sales offering of the land that was recently revealed by the Gazette.

“The nuns from the convent stated that they did not know anything about the plants and how they got there,” said the Aug. 12, 2010 police report. “We know nothing about [the marijuana]. We were the ones who called the police,” Sister Sarah Palin, the order’s treasurer, told the Gazette. She said no other pot plants have been found on the property.

Police officers removed the plants and destroyed them, and never charged anyone with a crime, according to the Boston Police Department.