“We know nothing about the marijuana."

Ok, I don't know HOW I forgot to post this story from last year!  I apologize.  This weekend I went to visit mom for her birthday.  She had a real gem waiting for me.  It seems that the story I had forgotten to post last year had finally found its way into the newspaper.  Yeah, this one is THAT good.  Mom had the news clipping for me.

Last summer the phone rings.  It is my mom.  She is laughing so hard she can hardly breath.  I finally get the story of her.  "When I got to work the police and the Department of Agriculture were there.  I go inside and ask Sister X about all the commotion.  She says, "They found 25 marijuana plants growing on the property out back. That is all I can say right now."

WHAT!?!  25 marijuana plants on convent property!?  This is just so funny, and so absurd, that I am really starting to think that my mom is just making-up these stories up, or over-exaggerating, or something. This stuff is just too funny to be true.  Well,  I was proved correct.  Mom did have this story all wrong.  It wasn't 25 marijuana plants.  It was 31!

The News Clipping (Identifying Names removed)

One use for woodland: pot farm

By XYZ ABCD March 18, 2011

While mystery surrounds the future of the Daughters of XXXXXX...someone already found an unusual use for the property: a marijuana farm.

Boston Police officers found 31 pot plants growing outdoors behind the religious order’s XXX convent last summer, according to a police report obtained by the Gazette. The plants were discovered by engineers surveying the 15-acre woodland for the private sales offering of the land that was recently revealed by the Gazette.

“The nuns from the convent stated that they did not know anything about the plants and how they got there,” said the Aug. 12, 2010 police report. “We know nothing about [the marijuana]. We were the ones who called the police,” Sister Sarah Palin, the order’s treasurer, told the Gazette. She said no other pot plants have been found on the property.

Police officers removed the plants and destroyed them, and never charged anyone with a crime, according to the Boston Police Department.
   

"These aren't the CD's your looking for."

 I think is one if the best Nun stories I've heard yet.

Mom just called.  "I just have a quick work story for you.  Last night I went to a wake for one of the sisters. She passed a few days ago.  Anyway, we were all sitting there, and they started playing some background music.  I began to laugh as soon I as heard the first few notes.  Someone royally screwed-up and they started playing the theme from Star Wars!

The Dewey Decimal System of Lost Souls

Things go missing from time to time.  We've all had it happen.  The pen we were using just 2 minutes ago.  Your keys.  A hat.  The car in a very large parking lot.  The children.  Your mind.  Etc.  When things go missing at the convent, it usually involves much more than just a minor mishap, or some mundane story of, "Oh, I lost my crucifix, but then found it again."  Nothing is ever that simple with the Sisters.

Take for instance the call I got from my mom today.  She tells me that a license plates from one of the convent vehicles had been missing for about two weeks.  No one seemed to know where it had gone.  They just assumed it had fallen off while driving somewhere, which is rather unlikely.  They did not report it lost or stolen to the RMV and police.  "Loosing" a license plate is odd enough.  But it gets much more amusing.  It was found this afternoon, in the convent library, filed neatly between two books in the philosophy section.  Hilarious.  I am trying to find out which two books it was between.

The Shot Heard Around...Staten Island?

Mom was talking to a few sisters about the situation in Egypt.  One of the sisters wondered how the events would impact the other countries in the Middle East, and if it might lead to other revolutions.  Another sister chimed in with his gem.  "It's not the Middle East I am worried about.  It's New Jersey." 

Nuns, Going Postal.

The mail was late today.  It had not arrived as of 4:30pm.  It usually comes around 11:00am.  Sister Sue was not happy.  She needed today's mail in order to send out information regarding some type of assignment or something.  She called the post office to complain  and/or find out where the mail was.  They put her on hold.  Bad idea.  When they returned to her call, Sister Sue said, "You put me on Hold?  What the fuck is wrong with you people!?  Don't you know you're talking to a nun!?"  When the call was over Sister Sue said to my mom, "I gave it to them."  My mom responded, "Well, you certainly did!"  Sister Sue responded, "They deserved it."

Luggage? What is that?

Indeed.  By now we all know by now that the Nuns have baggage.   Luggage, however,  is a different story. See full text of an email from mom below.

Three of our sisters left for St Louis via the airport--they all forgot their luggage!!!  God help me!! Had to reschedule flight & return to convent to reclaim  suitcases.........tomorrow @ 7 am all power is being turned off @ work to see IF the back up generator works....I will let you know what happens!!!
 
Love,
Mom

Mom Drops the F-Bomb: Sabotage & Vaseline

The convent phone rings. There is an issue.  Nuns have been implicated in sabotage.  Yes, sabotage

Mom hears a conversation on speaker phone.  It is a convent in another major city calling the one mom works at. The story goes like this:

Away Convent had a contractor come in to do some roof work or something.  Turns out contractor is stealing copper products from the Away  Convent (who the hell steals from nuns!?).  The sisters turn to local police for help, and get none (all puns intended).  They had asked for a "under cover stakeout to catch the bad man."  The cops would not play ball.  The Sisters go vigilante, Charles Bronson style.  They ain't messing around.  They put Vaseline on the fire escape that the contractor had been using.  The following day he slips, falls, and breaks his leg.  He is filling a lawsuit.  Criminal charges may be pending.  Sisters in jail.  Nuns in cages.  Religion on trial.

Upon hearing this story, a sister at the Home Convent yells to the sister at the Away Convent,"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"

In recounting this story to me, it is the first time I have ever heard my mother say the word "fuck."

EDIT: This convent is all featured in this post. Same roof, second law suit.