“I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X was taken to the hospital today. The reason, “I don’t believe in refrigeration.”

Sister X is old-school. Not only that, she old. Rumors have that she has a few shout-outs in the bible if you look hard enough. In any event, she does not like “modern” technology, and refuses to embrace its intrusions on the natural human state. In sister X’s view, “modern” technology includes things like refrigeration of food. You can see where this is going.

Hence, she just keeps food stock piled in her room, and away from the convent “ice box.” She ate something she shouldn’t have. It had gone bad. Off the doctor’s she went. I wonder how she took to modern medicine?

While being treated for food poisoning, some other sisters cleared the food out of her room. Three trash bags worth.

Wanted: Photo copier stolen from a Convent

"I dont know what she lost first, her mind or the photo copier. We have a really large Ricio copier in the back part of the library. It wasn’t feeling well. The nuns prayed for it, but they had learned prayer and relics alone don’t get the job done. Sometimes, you need the help of a mere human (see the “iCoprse: Convent Tech-Support” post). A repairman was called to intervene. He came at the appointed time.

Repairman: I am here to service the copier, can you show me where it is?

Sister V: It’s missing.

Repairman: Huh?

Sister V: I can’t locate it. You’ll have to come back when we can find it.

Repairman: You lost the photocopier?

Sister V: No, I think it was stolen.

Sister V was distraught. She reported the copier stolen. The sisters searched the convent. I eventually found out about the “theft”, and said, “Uhm, I saw it 30 min ago where it always has been.” The nuns descended on the library. The copier was still broken, and still standing where it had always been. Apparently, Sister V, despite using the copier hundreds of times, thought it was kept in the front of the library, not the back.

Christmas Special: Toilet Paper Saves Christmas from Historical Inaccuracies

Mom came over for Christmas Eve diner this afternoon. The nuns are big on Christmas cheer. Go figure. Mom said they have numerous manger scenes up around the convent. However, this was not without controversy. Again, go figure. Apparently, the nuns aren't keen on the idea of the baby Jesus being placed in a manger scene until December 25th. Doing so would imply that his birthday was sometime prior to the 25th. Some of the convent’s older nativity scenes come with a non-removable Christ-child. The sisters, obviously, had a problem. They did not want wait until the 25^th to put the manger scenes up, and they had ruled out the partial birth abortion option (i.e. hack-sawing baby JChrist out of the scene, and replacing him on his birthday). What is a Sister to do? Easy. Taking inspiration, not from the Lord above, but from high-school jocks pulling Halloween pranks, the sisters found the answers to their prayers; toilet paper.

Mom said, “I came into work and was like what the hell is going on in here? About half of the nativity scenes have be vandalized, and baby Jesus as been toilet-papered!”

Sister Ingenuity explained the situation. “Christ wasn’t born until the 25^th, so we had to hide all the baby Jesuses with toilet paper until his birthday.”

Mom asked, “Uhm…your hiding the son of God with toilet paper? Wouldn’t a paper towel be more…respectful?”

Sister Ingenuity responded, “No, toilet paper is just fine.”

Mom asked when the Jesuses were going to be unveiled.

Sister Ingenuity responded, “After 8pm mass, which is at 12am.”

“Right,” mom said, and went back to her desk.

The CVS Crusade

An email mom sent me last week:

Sister Evil took the convent van to CVS on a crusade to find her vitamins (she had lost her supply). She returned home with van's front door, driver's side, in the back seat. The initial report when she came back to the convent; "Call the Mother Superior and inform her that there was a slight problem in the CVS parking lot, and the van door is in the back seat." Seems Sister Evil did not properly close the front door. It was wide open and someone, non-Catholic, plowed into it. She, and several other people took what was of it off the hinges, and placed it in the back seat, and she drove home. She the said ride was rather windy.

"What The Hell Is Wrong With You?"

"Sr Denise, who speaks very little understandable English, and can not communicate at all in the written form, asked Sr Shrek to write a letter for her. Sr Shrek agrees. Half way through the letter, Sr. Denise proclaims to Sr Shrek, "I don't like what you are writing!" Sr Shrek bellows at her, "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't even read a word I am writing!!" Sr Denise shouts back, "I don't care, I don't like it!" Sr Shrek screams at her, " You are nothing but a little Mussolini in a nun's habit!!"

Love, Mom"

Darcy "goes off" on the UPS driver

Below is an email straight from mom this afternoon. My notes are in the ( ).

______________________________________________________
The Iraqi Report gives one something to ponder...........Now, onto Sr Darcy (see the "Nun Beat-Down" post below for more info about her), and UPS.

A little background on Sr Darcy. She is now around 76 or so. The dear sister was sent to a clinic for anger management about 10 years ago--she was returned with a warning do not send her back--we can not do anything with her!! The UPS driver is scared to death of her, and now, instead of ringing the front door bell and handling her the package, he rings the doorbell, throws the package against the door and takes off like a bat out of hell. Well this gets her very, very mad--big mistake on the driver's part. She was waiting for him today--peaking out the window, when he arrived, threw the package--she sprang into action, whipped the door open, and threw the package back at him. Needless to say there were an exchange of heated words!! Another day with the girls!!

Love,

Mom

Nun Beat-Down

It's hard out there for a nun.

Finding and keeping a job is never easy when your married to Jesus, have issues with your temper, and could "go off" at any moment. Enter Sister Darcy. Part of her old job was taking nuns to the grocery store in the convent van. This was good for Darcy, because it allowed her to "get out into the community, but not too much." Perhaps it was a bit too much.

After losing her driving license* for drag-racing the Convent van (caught twice, and causing several minor accidents on public roads), Sister Darcy was sent to help out at the book fairs. Mother Superior thought this would be a great new job for her. It didn't work out. She ended up in jail.

At her first book fair, someone questioned her on the price of a book. This was enough to make her "go off." She "hault-off and belted the man" (Mom's exact words). Knocked him out. Police were called. She was still "going-off" when law enforcement arrived. She then hit a cop, too. She was arrested for assault.

Sister Darcy has a new, safe, contained job. Now, she can go "postal." She sorts the mail for the Convent. She is also not allowed to attend large gatherings anymore, as they are afraid she will hit someone else.


*When I was 18 my driver's licence was suspended for too many speeding tickets. I was forced to attend "driver retraining" school. There were seven people in my class. Two of them were Nuns. They did not know each other. At the time, I thought this to be very odd. Now, it seems merely typical.