The End of this Blog

Well, it's been a good run, but this blog is now essentially over. A year or so ago, my mom changed positions at the Convent. She moved from working in the front office, to a sales positions within the Convent's publishing house. This change took her out of direct exposure/contact with most of the nuns. Hence, the craziness was not as accessible, and the crazy work stories dried up, for she now had a "normal" job. Further, in Feb 2015 my mom had a major spine surgery. Ten and half hour operation, with an 18" incision down her back. She was in intensive care for 5 days afterwards. She is back at home now, and doing much better, but she gave her notice at the convent. She will not be returning. The stories, and this blog, have come to an end.

If she remembers any more work stories, or something of the ilk, I will post them. But for all practical purposes, it's all said and done. I thank everyone for reading, and I hope her work stories brought a smile to your face as often as they did to mine.

Best Regards,
-Chris

7.8 on the Holiday Scale

Sister Ida Claire walks up to my desk today and says, "I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  "Why," I ask.

She response quickly. "The earthquakes."

I respond, "Uhm...the earthquakes?"

"Yes. The earthquakes," she says.

 I ask, "The...uhm...ones in...Asia?"

"Those ones, too," she says.

"Oh," is all that I can think to say.

The Chernobyl Platypus

First, see the previous blog update, located here.

I went to see my parents over the weekend. While at their house, I noticed this on the fridge (I blacked the face out for the blog).

ME: Mom, what the hell is this?!?

MOM: Oh, she died about two weeks ago. That was the saying she was most known for. She said it all the time. That is a remembrance card that was floating around the convent.

ME: WHAT?!? You're kidding me. They "remembered" her with that!? What is a "Lambie Duck" anyway? Is that something she made up? 

MOM: She had this stuffed lamb. Nuns like lambs, you know. Well, she decided to put webbed feet on it for some reason. Then she started calling it a "Lambie-Duck." Don't ask. They even said, "She could be a bit bazaar at times" during her eulogy. She tried to put it in the manger scene during Christmas one year. The other nuns did not like this. They said, "There were lambs, cows, and donkeys in the manger, but no weird hybrid lamb-ducks. It must be removed."

ME: I have...no...words...

Insight of the Day

"There are only two types of people in this world. Lambie Ducks, and Shit Heads."

-Sister Lisa-Mae, Aug 13, 2013

Lambie duck, apparentlly, is a term of endearment.

Dear FBI

Convent Update:  85-year old sister.  Has dementia.  Has been "collecting" all of the convent's remote controls to assorted electronic devices, and keeping them in her room.   Other sister found them, and placed some where for "safe keeping."  Found later, letter to FBI, written by 85-year-old nun, appealing for help with investigation into her missing remotes.

Holy Ipecat

My mom has had a few knee surgeries in the last 2 years. She had another one last week. The following conversation took place between the two of us this afternoon.

Mom: Well, the sisters gave me a gift before I left work last week.

Me: Oh, that was nice of them. Do I dare ask what it was?

Mom: A plastic 2-litre Coke bottle full of holy water.

Me: What?

Mom: Yup. The Coke label was sill on it, too.

Me: Epic.

Mom: I asked them if I could drink it, and they said I could.

Me: Did you?

Mom: Well, no. Not after what happened to the cat.

Me: Uhm...

Mom: I put some in the cat's water bowl.  Lord knows that cat needs all the help she can get.

Me: Ok, and?

Mom: She threw-up twice that night. So, I didn't drink any.

Stop. Hammer Time.

The phone rings. It’s my mom. She is at work. At first I thought she was crying. Then I realized she was laughing. I immediately knew a good story was coming, but I wasn’t expecting something THIS good.

I’m sure we all remember the story about the copper thief, greased-up/sabotaged fire escape, broken leg, and subsequent law suit. Well, the same convent*, and same roof, have led to another blog update.

A City Inspector had to look at the convent for some reason (not sure if this related to the previous roof occurrence or not). Mr. Inspector came to the convent, and proceeded up the fire escape to the top of the building. Sister Crazy** saw Mr. Inspector going up on the roof, and thought it might be another person involved with the Criminal Copper Conspiracy that has stirred-up trouble last time. And also, just like before, Sister Crazy went vigilante. She got a hammer, and was going to get the bad guy, I mean, City Inspector.

I guess City Inspector knew something about how loo-loo the sisters were, and knew he might be in danger. He needed an escape route. Who wouldn’t be horrified of a nun running at you with demon eyes and a hammer!? Well, he found the escape route; he jumped off the roof, and into a tree. Yes, a tree. When things calmed down a bit, Mr. Inspector realized that he could not get out of tree by himself. He needed help. The fire department was called for assistance.

Another assault related law suit is now pending.

*Neither of these events took place at the convent where my mom works, but at one of their “satellite offices” elsewhere in the U.S.

**Sister Crazy is NOT the same sister who lubed up the fire escape before. THAT was Sister Bat-Shit Crazy.

Double Barrel Doom

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'll have to call mom for more details. Below is ext from an email correspondence with my mom over the last 24 hours. I didn't believe the pot growing story when I first heard it, either. Then I saw the news coverage...I have learned another meaning of the word "faith".

MOM: Sister Doom has been chasing young kids of property in XXXXXX w/ a loaded shotgun.......

ME: WHAT!?

MOM: Yes! This is true-a nun running after kids with a shot gun!!!

ME: Who saw it? Did anyone call the police?

MOM: Oh yeah....Sister Doom caught 2 of the kids-police came-remeber police have been putting up w/Daughters for years......so this nothing new

From Prison to Family Reunion

Email I got the other day from Mom. 

"Sister Jane is leaving today for her vacation; bus trip to Kentucky to pick up her brother, Mike.  He is getting out of  federal prison.  Mike and Jane's other sister (a social worker, nevertheless) refuses to pick him up.  After Jane gets Mike, the two are then flying to Ohio for a family reunion......details to follow!!
 
Love,
Mom"

Fountain of Doom

Well, some amusing stories were indeed generated from the "water feature" mentioned in the previous post.  Below is an email mom sent.  Number 6 is my favorite.


1) took a procession to get it in Chapel
2) was hooked up to facuet in room next to Chapel
3) water was collected in kiddie pool underneath-that keep on overflowing
4) was so loud no one could here anything
5) Sister Lucy(92) said running water made her want to go to the bathroom all the time
6) Sister Sue(87) was caught several times using a dixie cup to get her drinks of water from during the daytime
7) Priest said he couldn't hear himself think from noise(which was a good thing, if you ask me)
8) was turned over permantly on Tues
9) Sr Nancy(85) wants to know if they can build a water slide outside now
9) towards the end of the water fall visit to Chapel-it keep on having hiccups-would start then stop--a wonder of Daughters' engineering!!!

"Does Not Bode Well"

Oh, wow.  This could prove to be really funny.  Entire text of email mom sent today:

Subject: Does Not Bode Well

Daughters, starting this very day, are trying to construct a fountain in Chapel for Easter.....I see an entire new chapter for book.......
Love,
Mom

“We know nothing about the marijuana."

Ok, I don't know HOW I forgot to post this story from last year!  I apologize.  This weekend I went to visit mom for her birthday.  She had a real gem waiting for me.  It seems that the story I had forgotten to post last year had finally found its way into the newspaper.  Yeah, this one is THAT good.  Mom had the news clipping for me.

Last summer the phone rings.  It is my mom.  She is laughing so hard she can hardly breath.  I finally get the story of her.  "When I got to work the police and the Department of Agriculture were there.  I go inside and ask Sister X about all the commotion.  She says, "They found 25 marijuana plants growing on the property out back. That is all I can say right now."

WHAT!?!  25 marijuana plants on convent property!?  This is just so funny, and so absurd, that I am really starting to think that my mom is just making-up these stories up, or over-exaggerating, or something. This stuff is just too funny to be true.  Well,  I was proved correct.  Mom did have this story all wrong.  It wasn't 25 marijuana plants.  It was 31!

The News Clipping (Identifying Names removed)

One use for woodland: pot farm

By XYZ ABCD March 18, 2011

While mystery surrounds the future of the Daughters of XXXXXX...someone already found an unusual use for the property: a marijuana farm.

Boston Police officers found 31 pot plants growing outdoors behind the religious order’s XXX convent last summer, according to a police report obtained by the Gazette. The plants were discovered by engineers surveying the 15-acre woodland for the private sales offering of the land that was recently revealed by the Gazette.

“The nuns from the convent stated that they did not know anything about the plants and how they got there,” said the Aug. 12, 2010 police report. “We know nothing about [the marijuana]. We were the ones who called the police,” Sister Sarah Palin, the order’s treasurer, told the Gazette. She said no other pot plants have been found on the property.

Police officers removed the plants and destroyed them, and never charged anyone with a crime, according to the Boston Police Department.
   

"These aren't the CD's your looking for."

 I think is one if the best Nun stories I've heard yet.

Mom just called.  "I just have a quick work story for you.  Last night I went to a wake for one of the sisters. She passed a few days ago.  Anyway, we were all sitting there, and they started playing some background music.  I began to laugh as soon I as heard the first few notes.  Someone royally screwed-up and they started playing the theme from Star Wars!

The Dewey Decimal System of Lost Souls

Things go missing from time to time.  We've all had it happen.  The pen we were using just 2 minutes ago.  Your keys.  A hat.  The car in a very large parking lot.  The children.  Your mind.  Etc.  When things go missing at the convent, it usually involves much more than just a minor mishap, or some mundane story of, "Oh, I lost my crucifix, but then found it again."  Nothing is ever that simple with the Sisters.

Take for instance the call I got from my mom today.  She tells me that a license plates from one of the convent vehicles had been missing for about two weeks.  No one seemed to know where it had gone.  They just assumed it had fallen off while driving somewhere, which is rather unlikely.  They did not report it lost or stolen to the RMV and police.  "Loosing" a license plate is odd enough.  But it gets much more amusing.  It was found this afternoon, in the convent library, filed neatly between two books in the philosophy section.  Hilarious.  I am trying to find out which two books it was between.

The Shot Heard Around...Staten Island?

Mom was talking to a few sisters about the situation in Egypt.  One of the sisters wondered how the events would impact the other countries in the Middle East, and if it might lead to other revolutions.  Another sister chimed in with his gem.  "It's not the Middle East I am worried about.  It's New Jersey." 

Nuns, Going Postal.

The mail was late today.  It had not arrived as of 4:30pm.  It usually comes around 11:00am.  Sister Sue was not happy.  She needed today's mail in order to send out information regarding some type of assignment or something.  She called the post office to complain  and/or find out where the mail was.  They put her on hold.  Bad idea.  When they returned to her call, Sister Sue said, "You put me on Hold?  What the fuck is wrong with you people!?  Don't you know you're talking to a nun!?"  When the call was over Sister Sue said to my mom, "I gave it to them."  My mom responded, "Well, you certainly did!"  Sister Sue responded, "They deserved it."

Luggage? What is that?

Indeed.  By now we all know by now that the Nuns have baggage.   Luggage, however,  is a different story. See full text of an email from mom below.

Three of our sisters left for St Louis via the airport--they all forgot their luggage!!!  God help me!! Had to reschedule flight & return to convent to reclaim  suitcases.........tomorrow @ 7 am all power is being turned off @ work to see IF the back up generator works....I will let you know what happens!!!
 
Love,
Mom

Mom Drops the F-Bomb: Sabotage & Vaseline

The convent phone rings. There is an issue.  Nuns have been implicated in sabotage.  Yes, sabotage

Mom hears a conversation on speaker phone.  It is a convent in another major city calling the one mom works at. The story goes like this:

Away Convent had a contractor come in to do some roof work or something.  Turns out contractor is stealing copper products from the Away  Convent (who the hell steals from nuns!?).  The sisters turn to local police for help, and get none (all puns intended).  They had asked for a "under cover stakeout to catch the bad man."  The cops would not play ball.  The Sisters go vigilante, Charles Bronson style.  They ain't messing around.  They put Vaseline on the fire escape that the contractor had been using.  The following day he slips, falls, and breaks his leg.  He is filling a lawsuit.  Criminal charges may be pending.  Sisters in jail.  Nuns in cages.  Religion on trial.

Upon hearing this story, a sister at the Home Convent yells to the sister at the Away Convent,"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"

In recounting this story to me, it is the first time I have ever heard my mother say the word "fuck."

EDIT: This convent is all featured in this post. Same roof, second law suit.

Confession Breeds Aggression

Apparently, the sisters have confessional once a week.  Well, even this cannot happen without an "incident." From the sounds of it, one of the sisters was "taking far too long" for her confessional session.  The next sister in line got tired of waiting, and "went off."  She started banging on the door, and yelled, "Would you get the hell out of there!  This is confessional, not therapy. That is on Thursday!"

Headless Saints

Full text of mom's email from this afternoon:

Maintenanace worker knocked over life size statue of St Jude in rear parking lot; put head of stautue in his truck, drove home to York, Maine- worker has been out sick, so we now have a headless statue---like really cool!!!  Daughters not sure what you do with a headless Catholic Saint!!!  Happy Eve of Groundhog's Day!!
Love,
Mom